HUMOR

so glad they told me - women get real about motherhood

At Least Your Hair Looks Gorgeous

When I was eight, my sister told me to sit still at the kitchen table, she’d be right back with a special surprise. Her “special surprise” turned out to be a whiffle bat strike to the head. Similar to this whiffle bat encounter, my experience with motherhood has not turned out the way I expected. […]

Surviving the Twinning Reaction

The intense bonding connection between twins is called “the Twinning Reaction,” by psychologists and researchers. My neighbor the dog trainer says, “Don’t adopt two puppies from the same litter because they’ll never obey you.” Same concept. The obstetrician did not hear the second heartbeat until 18 weeks. I was already panicking about motherhood – now […]

Advice to your Daughters: Don’t Waste Your Time on My Boys

When I was twelve, my middle school girlfriends and I called boys on the phone, hovered by the fence at Pop Warner football practice, and sat around at slumber parties speculating on which boys might ride past on their bikes or try to peek in the windows.

Smooth Operators or Wild Animals?

FROM COLORADO BABIES MAGAZINE, FALL 2015 My twin boys have been fascinated by pretty girls since they could wave from their double stroller. But as a mom who grew up with only one sister, I have zero experience with handling little boys who notice females and recruit their own babysitters.

What My Son Taught Me About Red Sox Uniforms and Being A Twin

“I was eagerly picking out Red Sox margarita glasses while waiting for our flight home when one of my 5-year-old twin boys approached me…..”

Five Rules of Holiday Etiquette Not to Bother Teaching Your Children

From Boulder Lifestyle December 2014 Over the course of twelve Decembers trying to instill Emily Post-worthy behavior in my identical twin boys, I’ve seen many of my holiday manners tutorials come back to bite me.

Fitness For the Rest of Us

From Boulder Lifestyle October 2014. I became a fitness instructor because I was awful at team sports.

Mommy and Me²

As a stay-at-home mother of energetic three year old twin boys, the discovery of “Mommy and Me” classes made me happier than non-chafe nursing pads. I’d get out of a house so baby-proofed I couldn’t watch my own TV, and the boys would get exercise.

Please Remain Seated With Your Seat Belt Tightly Fastened

With extended family on both coasts requiring multiple flights per year, my husband and I lived for the day our identical twin boys could entertain themselves while traveling.

The Road Runner, the Identical Twins, and the Garage Door Opener

Exhibit A: We’re late for gymnastics class and I yell downstairs to my five year old boys to grab coats and get in the car. I dash into the bathroom only to hear the garage door go up. Then go down again. Then up. Then down again.

Table Manners

Pooping in a park in broad daylight? Refusing to get in the car until a hot Brazilian nanny kisses them goodbye? Being inappropriately affectionate with their principal? These are just a few of the parenting challenges I’ve faced with my identical twin boys in their ten years so far, but dining etiquette tops the list.

How I Learned the Value of Ambidextrous Breasts

During my pregnancy, I complained about lost brain cells and how relieved I would be to regain them once my twins were born. The experienced mothers fell to the floor in collective hysteria.

Boulder Writer Workshop - 2nd place 2013 Comedy Writing Contest

Please Don’t Ask Me To Feed Your Cat

What kind of a mother would deny her children a pet? My identical twin boys had been asking for a critter of the non-stuffed variety since they could bellow the word “DOG!” out of their double stroller with the enthusiasm of someone pointing out a prancing pink unicorn.

Foodies In The Woods

I am not a foodie. I have food poisoned myself, realized after six months in a new condo that the oven didn’t work, and over-cooked canned chowder so badly it exploded like foam out of a fire extinguisher on lifting the pot lid.

The Pick-Up Artists

Bad enough my five year olds know how to get phone numbers out of eighth-grade girls, but now they’re cooking up Hugh Hefner-style scenarios?

Wine Tasting 101

At the university I attended, there was a school of hotel management. One of the most popular courses amongst non-hotel students was “Introduction to Wines.” We liberal arts and engineering majors snickered like fifth graders taking a second grade spelling test. Rumor had it you sat in a huge lecture hall and sampled wines all […]