My Children Are Terrible Liars

My identical twin boys are terrible liars. Friends brag about their price-cheating efforts: how they prep their kid to tell a ski lift operator that they’re five instead of six, or to convince a flight attendant they’re “just under two.”

In addition to being bad karma, this just isn’t in my boys’ natures. I can’t even convince them that white lies are good manners. The upside of this is I always know what they’re up to. Without much questioning, I can usually get the full accurate story. (“Yeah, I called him stupid, and then he wacked me in the pee-pee, then I grabbed his Transformer and pulled down his pants and then he cried.”)

The downside is they tend to embarrass me on a regular basis.

I got an email one New Year’s when the boys were seven from a lovely neighbor who is also the Neighborhood Christmas Martha Stewart. Her tree is perfectly done up in white and gold ornaments like a display at William’s Sonoma, and despite two small children and a full time job, she manages to bake and deliver cheesecake pies to everyone on the street.

The email from this neighbor said she was pleased to receive the personally delivered thank you note along with the empty pie tin, but that she was pretty sure her conversation with my son did not follow the script of my coaching. Excerpt:
Ding-Dong!

Neighbor, opening the door: Oh hi! What’s this?

Takes pie plate and opens hand made thank you note.

Neighbor: What a lovely note. Did you enjoy the pie?

Axel: No. I didn’t have any. Only Daddy and Grampie eat the pie.

Neighbor: Really? Why is that?

Axel: Mom says it’s gross.

Somehow we managed to get left off the pie distribution list this year.

A more recent front step encounter with a different neighbor and my other son occurred while I was getting out of the shower. Excerpt:
Ding Dong!

Mother: Oh crap! (Yelling down the stairs) Get the door!

Aidan: OK!

Sound of door opening. Enter neighbors Tom and Simone.

Simone: Hi there! We’re having a Super Bowl party next Sunday and wanted to stop by and invite you.

Aidan: Oh, well, you know, we already have so many Super Bowl parties to go to, I doubt we’ll be able to make it. We have a lot of friends. There’s Jackson’s party, and Thomas’, and of course we have to go to Grampie’s house because he loves the Patriots…..

Mother (frantically grasping at too small towel and projecting her voice down the stairwell): OK Aidan! That’s enough! Of course we’ll stop by, thanks for including us!

While I’m not sure any of our neighbors will be speaking to us by the time the twins reach high school, I just have to hope that I will still get the full scoop on keggers in the woods, who’s using their mother’s medical marijuana prescription, and who got to second base behind the bleachers.

18 comments on “My Children Are Terrible Liars

  1. Ellen, your posts are priceless! I’m really going to love your blog! Your boys are a breath of fresh air in the tsunami of life. And you write so well. Congratulations!

  2. Ellen, you had me laughing out loud. Love your stories and can clearly hear your voice in my head as I read along. You are so talented! Keep it up!

  3. Thank you Ellen for making me laugh! I think you should start a cartoon strip of your adventures with the twins.

  4. I hope they figure out the foot odor thing before they meet prospective wives. I think even skunks get to remove their shoes for outdoor activities!! You best keep writing before they are old enough to forbid you to share their stories, In the meantime this is hysterical stuff.

  5. What a hoot! And don’t worry. As a neighbor I’ll still be speaking to you AND serving as informant when the boys reach high school. : )

  6. Thank god for Grandmas remedy from NZ! I hope they are still using it! I had a good laugh at the dead raccoon, but eventually even Aidan will think having to leave his shoes on all the time or have the girls dropping like flies would not be cool.

  7. What grand fun! I can’t wait to hear what they think of being outed here when they are 14, 15 and 16 years old. Hold onto your britches!!! I needed to lighten up my evening and you really delivered.

  8. BOYS!! They don’t even have to be twins but they are clearly boys – keep the funnies coming, this old granny (mother of boys aged 31 and 35) loves them.

  9. These stories are really quite refreshing as well as very funny. How did you create this behavioral outcome? Others might like know!

  10. I’m reading this in Afghanistan and realizing how much the boys have grown up since I last saw you guys! I remember when they were learning their first groups of words and Axel was pronouncing “duck” as “#uck” 🙂 Good times, keep them rolling!

  11. Funny piece , Ellen. Thanks.

    Trust me (the father of three boys), eventually they learn how to play with the truth as well as they could once build with Legos.

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